im about as happy as oj after his trial
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
