Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
