margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
