i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it hurts more in the daytime
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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