3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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