I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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