So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Text me some of your sweat
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