I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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