You don't have asthma, your pregnant
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
