Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
