there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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