it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
