so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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