omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
