I will die if light touches me.
I think I died a long time ago.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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