how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
