tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
