Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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