Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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