Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
