there's paper in my vomit.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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