No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
