Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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