I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
whose parrot is this?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
