I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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