If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
