Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize