i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
