have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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