If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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