I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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