That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize