I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
