The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
