I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
