Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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