don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
