Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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