Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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