i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
