my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
