yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
