If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
