Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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