I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
