it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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