Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
