i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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