Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
