That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
