just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
