I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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