If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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