"it" just moved
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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