I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
