I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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