Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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