she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
