Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so that wasnt chicken after all
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
